s-t-f-u.com/how-much
Please stop asking what it cost
There is no comfortable answer. High is showing off, low is a lie, and "I'd rather not say" makes it strange for everyone.
The question sounds like curiosity and lands like an assessment. Whatever number they give, someone in the room is doing arithmetic about their life.
It also isn't symmetrical. The person asking gets a fun fact. The person answering gets ranked.
Why it lands badly
Every answer is a trap
Too high, too low, or evasive. There's no version that costs them nothing.
It's rarely just curiosity
It becomes comparison, and they can feel it happening.
It travels
The number gets repeated at the next gathering without them in the room.
Do this instead
Ask about the thing, not the price
"How's the new place?" gets you a better story anyway.
Ask for advice, not amounts
"Was it worth it?" or "what would you do differently?" — genuinely useful, costs them nothing.
If you need the number, say why
"We're looking in that area — mind if I ask the rough range?" Now it's a favour, not an audit.
Take the first no
"Ah, a bit much" means stop. Don't guess out loud.
When it's completely fine
You're close enough that money is already an open topic. They brought it up. It's salary transparency among peers, which is a good thing and helps people get paid properly. You've asked permission first.
Questions people ask
- Isn't talking about salary a good thing?
- Yes — between colleagues comparing notes, it's how people find out they're underpaid. This is about the surprise interrogation at a party.
- How do I get out of answering?
- "More than I planned" plus a change of subject. Works every time.